Title” The Day I Recalled the Past 6 Years of My Life.
Today I want to talk about shooting because past events recent events on the club blog have set me thinking about the past, and in doing so, about my story. So here is my story. Shooting has been a major part of my life, something that has happened to me and changed me in many, many ways.
I have been planning to write this for quite some time – perhaps as a closure for something I have sweated, bled, cried and laugh over, or perhaps as an end-of- journey sort of reflection. We all make several great journeys in our lifetime, and it is with undeniable doubt that this, is one such great journey I had undertook. Whatever the case, I hadn’t planned to write it so early. I thought I would write it at the end of 2008, perhaps after my A levels or after I’ve stepped down as captain or after I’ve stopped shooting or after I’ve found that I no longer love shooting anymore. Maybe the reason why this is not written until my final year of school is because I want to keep thinking that the last 2 reasons would not give me sufficient reason at all.
Secondary One
Before I begin I want to talk about something still haunts me till this day. It is the ghost of the past, and this ghost is the ghost of being inadequate. We live in a meritocratic society, but meritocracy is only as good as the things it can measure, count or rank. Everyday we are subjected to a ranking system that is the phantom of meritocracy - where almost everything is assigned a number. So when I went for the air rifle selections trails in secondary one I too was given a number. Number 50. Jeremy Ang Boon Sheng, the captain told me so, after telling me that only numbers 1 to 10 would be taken into the club. But in the end I found myself as a member the club, something which till this day I am still grateful and thankful for.
The day I was told the good news
I met Jeremy outside the toilets near the book shop when I was walking back to class. Jeremy told me I was ‘in’, and then he told me to work hard. I told myself never to let Jeremy down, because we are taught to repay kindness with double the kindness we have been given. I felt that training the hardest I could and loving the club and the sport with all the love my heart could muster would be a good way of repaying Jeremy’s faith in me. So that was what I did.
Secondary 1 was a particularly trying year for me. Although it was never disclosed that I was not the crème of the crop, it showed and smiled like a rebel’s whore. My shots landed outside the card, I could not do whatever the coach wanted and I needed seniors to cock the gun for me. Everyone laughed at me, but the reason why I did not give up was my silent promise to Jeremy. I think he never knew, but he was the most inspirational senior to me. Although he was not a national shooter or an extraordinary shooter for that matter, he was a person with extraordinary character who knew how to inspire others, and that was all that mattered to me.
Secondary Two
Then came Secondary 2. It was crunch time and the school had to select the C Div – or the 4 best shooters for subsidy of shooting equipment. I wasn’t part of the 4 (who were Bo Xuan, Kelvin, Jiang Hao and Jie Hao) and I wasn’t going to get the subsidy. Finally with Coach Zhang’s recommendation an exception was made to support 5 shooters for equipment grants. I told myself never to let the school down, and most importantly, never to let those who believed in me down, because it took a lot of believe. And like kindness, faith, was to be repaid in double. That year I participated in my first Inter-School Nationals and won a silver medal for the school. The team comprised of Bo Xuan, Kelvin and myself. Kelvin shot 569, I shot 568 (my personal best) and Bo Xuan shot 560. So effectively I was no.2 in our team of 5, which well, used to be a team of 4. But Jiang Hao and Jie Hao did not shoot Interschools. Later that year Jiang Hao and Jie Hao faded away and their jackets never found service to their owners again. There are people with passion and then there are people who think of CCA points. Sometimes scores or grouping cannot help us distinguish the two.
The day I first cried over shooting
It was Singapore Opens 2004, and I didn’t have time to finish my last two shots. I cried for 10 minutes and my teachers, coach and even the jury had to comfort me. Mr Eddie Lim, the jury, pressed a lunch coupon into my hands and told me to go for lunch. I went to the toilet to dry my tears, and everyone I met told me ‘it was okay’. But I didn’t think it was okay and I didn’t think I was just a competition. Shooting, and that competition, as with any other competition, was important to me – and that was why I cried. Crying makes one look like a loser. It makes men look like boys, and the brave look weak. That day, I was a loser, a boy and a weak person. But we are weak because of what we love, and what we feel strongly for. My teammates teased me about it, even months after the incident. As much as it hurt, it reminded me of my love and passion for shooting, and which was precisely why I cried.
Secondary Three
50m Smallbore
2005 was the year I shot 50m Prone as part of the National Youth Team program. I was really lost at the start, and I had no one to turn to to help me see the big picture of training for an event that leaves my arm numb for 30 minutes after shooting. I thought of asking my seniors, but it felt to me that they were just shooters training with me in the same venue, much like the person in the cubicle next to yours in a toilet - you could ask him for more toilet paper, but you know you would rather make do with what you had. So I didn’t ask them for anything. Anyway, prone was something new but unfortunately it did not last, as all of us in the NYT found ourselves caught in a political crossfire that saw police officers interrogating us and our respective school principals writing letters to protect us.
The day I was left on the shelf
2005 was the year I set my personal best of 585, crossing the 580 barrier that neither Kelvin or Bo Xuan had done. I was the first among them to hit 580. It was a good year for me and training was good. But I was left on the shelf during Nationals Inter School 2005, and I was made the reserve with the team being comprised of Ronald Ang, Bo Xuan and Kelvin. I was told that Ronald had more competition experience. His grouping on the training before nationals was better than mine. As such, he would be the better choice against the then stronger Raffles team. I cried when Ms Teo broke the news to me, and it took me twenty minutes to stop. Unlike in 2005, I didn’t cry because of something I lost or failed to do. I didn’t cry because I was defeated. I cried because it shattered my belief and guiding principle that I had embraced every since Jeremy took me into the club by his faith and confidence in me. That day I learnt that passion, hard work and determination didn’t stand the test of a 5 shot grouping in the card. The lesson was presented to me in the hardest and harshest of ways. Perhaps I have never learnt this lesson, because I would never recover from the blow. Perhaps I have never learnt this lesson because I still believe in passion and determination and the journey instead of the destination. Since then Ronald has gone to RJC and stopped shooting competitively. (At this point in time I must say that I had never resented the school’s decision.)
Secondary Four
Ghosts are people or spirits who have faded away. I guess after that I, and my team became ghosts of the club. Nationals 2006 we didn’t even come in 4th. All 3 of us underperformed during the West Zone competition. All 3 of us were devastated, knowing that the strong club tradition of at least a Nationals Finals was smashed in our hands. But when Mr Low took us up to the bowling alley for a post match talk, I was the only one who cried. This time it took 30 minutes for me to stop.
College One
2007 was just another year that came and went by. We had a drastic change within the club. A new coach came and training was conducted in the school’s rifle range. We took time to get accustomed to the new coach, to a new range, but I could not get accustomed to training under a coach who sought to distinguish his own shooters from shooters tainted by the previous coach. It is always those who are in between that suffer, those who are caught with neither their pants up nor down. As captain I have tried to change that, but sometimes conviction is the strongest thing in the world. We were the transition batch, and there was nothing we could do about it. We were the transition batch, and we were just supposed to stick around, do what we could until the real heroes showed up.So, like wraiths and spectral figures, we went through competition after competition, shoot after shoot, shot by shot. For me, pulling the trigger was extremely different from pulling the trigger when I was in secondary one. Although when I was in secondary one pulling the trigger meant a shot outside the black, I was a much happier person.
Captaincy
In 2007 everyone in the club ran for captain and but I got the post. It was interview/selections with the teachers and seniors, and not a whole-club-vote-popularity contest. I was happy that I got the post, and I received an SMS from Jun Hong congratulating me and telling me not to let him down. From the moment I submitted my application to be Captain I had not planned to let anyone down, not my team, my teachers, my club or my school. But for the following 2 weeks I woke up every morning with a twist in my stomach that told me I had a heavy responsibility.It was like getting a new haircut from the latest fashion house in town - it makes one wake up feeling happy and nervous and excited at the same time. Eventually the morning sickness symptoms went away (like how we get used to a new look), but definitely not my sense of duty and responsibility.
Being Captain, I feel, is like being a senior senior. And sometimes, being a good senior is one of the most important things a person can do for his club.
Club Dynamics
Talking about seniors
Every club has them and every club needs them. I think seniors are the most important asset of any club, and I am sad to say that our shooting club did not have enough of this special ingredient.
Seniors pass through juniors like sand in an hour glass. They leave their mark on juniors like paint handprints on paper. All seniors, leave their mark on their juniors. I remember my seniors. Yi Chao and Jiang Shui, who taught me gangster chants and said I looked like a pokemon. Choon Kai and of course Jeremy. I remember the 2 Melvins, Jun Hong, Li Zhan, Yida, Jiayi, Guang He, Nick, Yi Jie, Ronald, Wei Ren and many others. I remember them all, because I looked up to them. I idolized my seniors. But there were two kinds of seniors I idolized – one that had great achievements, and one that had great character. The latter never failed to inspire me in my darkest moments, but the former has never failed leave me feeling that they could be more.
Seniors with Great Character
I want to talk about seniors with great character first, because the limelight is always on those who achieve, win at international competitions or are recipients of sports awards. I want to talk about seniors with great character because sometimes, to quote Guang He, being successful is not about winning and looking at your juniors from the top, but helping your juniors get to the top to be with you.
Jeremy was one such senior with great character that I respected. Knowing that I was not as good my peers in secondary 1, he never failed to offer me words of encouragement and support. He believed in me (which was why he took me into the club), and he made sure I knew it. I did, and it would be what that spurred me on to train as hard as I could. He stood up for me many times, including, I believe, against the teacher in charge to let me in. Unfortunately I did not have the chance to stand up for him too. But then again, he was a senior and I, a junior, and perhaps this is the way of things (like the wax and wane of the moon) – that seniors are there to help their juniors and turn them into seniors who would do the same for their juniors. Perhaps this is why seniors are the most important assets of any club.
Seniors with Great Achievements
I am very lucky to have many seniors with great achievements under them (the other type of seniors that I respected). They were called the ‘Golden Batch’. They did 3 main things in their time - setting records, smashing records, or breaking their own records - they at the front of the battle, with their shiny armor and polished swords all ready to charge and slaughter the opposition. They certainly did boost awareness and bring attention to our club. There were posters around the school. However, things were not quite the same. I remember being asked to run errands and sweep up pellets from an overturned pellet box. I remember being asked to do odd jobs and being disparaged afterwards. I remember being made fun of. I remember being treated as what I really was – a junior. But I remember putting up with it only out of respect for their shooting achievements and not their character. I didn’t learn much from them – at best, I only learnt how to mimic their shooting stance. That wasn’t really helpful, and I am sure those who have held a rifle in their hands before would agree with me.
Jeremy was with me for only half a year before I stopped seeing him altogether as he had to study for his O Levels. But I learnt more in 6 months than I did in the rest of the 5 years in the club. I was a junior and he a senior – the thing that separated him from the other type of seniors was that he didn’t treat me like a junior – he treated me like a member of the team.
I am a Senior
I am determined to be a good senior, because I was once a junior, and seniors affect juniors in more ways than they think. Just last week a Secondary 1 boy called Nicholas was asking who was a “very pro shooter” in the club. He went from a person to another, from Secondary 2 shooters to College 2 shooters. Finally he came to me. He recognized me, as I was the one who helped cock his gun at the trials. I would never forget what happened next.
He asked me, “you are a very pro shooter right? Can you teach me how to be as pro as you?” At the point in time I was stunned and did not know what to say, not so much of what he said but more of contemplating what I could say. It was in front of everyone, and I could have made a joke out of it (at his expense) and have a good laugh. Then we all could go home feeling happy and light hearted. But in him, I saw a bit of myself – the secondary one shooter who idolized his seniors. In less than a moment, I knew what I had to do or more importantly, what kind of senior I wanted to be. So I told him to train hard, and listen to his coach. I wasn’t a very pro shooter, but immediately after I spoke those words to him, I felt like a better shooter than I ever had in a long time. I wasn't a very pro shooter, but then again, it didn't matter to me, and it didn't matter with being the senior I was trying to be.
Team Spirit
I am determined to be a good senior because I know how important team spirit is – not team spirit within a team of 3, but team spirit within a club of 50. That is why I refuse to put anyone down, my junior
Coach always reminds us (A Boys) that we cannot hold a candle to his precious B Boys. Every time he reminds us of this, I am reminded that while we cannot be seniors our juniors respect for our achievements, we can very well be seniors our juniors respect for our character and for the things we do, and I think that is most important because as each year passes, an old team leaves and a new team steps up to fill its place. What is constant and what will remain and persevere and will pass on from generation to generation, from seniors to juniors, is the love for the sport and the love for the club, and that is what that is most important, because with that, we can win the titles we desire, but without that, we are mere vessels that are left empty once the ‘Golden Batch’ graduates.
Learning
I have learnt many more lessons in the rifle range than I have in the classroom. They are lessons that are precious to me - the only regret is that I paid dearly for them. But they are lessons and experience that would take me through life, and I am the person I am today because of them. I am grateful for the opportunity, but even more grateful to be part of the CCA called Shooting. I can never repay what the school has given to me – I can only hope that what I have done is enough.
Finally, it is not the day that you succeed that matters, but the day that you learn how to that counts.
I hope that by sharing what I have gone through with you all you will learn from my experiences and take the club to greater heights. I hope there will not be a repeat of conflicts like the previous one over the club blog. Shooting is a personal sport, but team spirit counts.
Bo Xian